There are so many regrets that I cannot forget. Oh so many. And so many faults that I feel I have to carry. I have gradually edged off some of it, but it still bothers me every once in a while. Maybe that's why I try to keep so busy all the time. So I don't have the time to ponder these kinds of things. Consequently, it cuts into my sleep some days, like it's doing right now. I suppose I really do talk big when I say, "Even though there have been so many mistakes, I'm glad that it brought me where I am today." It is true, but I cannot forget those mistakes so easily.

Of course, my biggest regret is what happened with N. I always continue to hope that somewhere out there he reads this blog, but I remember then that I don't even post in it. I suppose I become afraid realizing that it is a possibility that he might just happen to be reading. But what fear is there to have when I've already done so much wrong? What I post here may not be of any condolence, nor may it justify anything I did. It only serves to ease my thoughts, nothing more. And so I write.

If you do happen to read this, I do not ask you to forgive. I say this not as a martyr as I have in the past, but to state conclusions I have come to from going over the situation over and over within my mind. I have concluded before that I had a reason for what I did and reasoned with myself. But I frankly have no excuse for it. I don't and didn't know what I was doing. The thought of you still haunts me often. How I didn't try at all. How when I tried it lacked clear intentions. I just really, really made a mess of things.

I said no when you asked me again. I believe I still stand by this decision. Though I may wish randomly that you come chasing again, it's only a selfish desire to be swept up by drama, nothing more. Often it really is conflict that brings about resolution, anyhow. There was the possibility that it could have worked. I often wonder about what my life would be like if I had taken that path. You said it could work with due time, but it really didn't work before because of time. I was really an impatient person and that's really one thing that I've been changing. And now, there is someone I found that I think I feel for the way you did for me. In some ways, I feel that sometimes I try so hard to make up for everything that I've done, hoping that I can restore some balance to the world. Alas, things don't work that way. But I try.

When we parted, you might have thought you meant nothing at all to me. Do you really think that there was nothing left behind? Every time I browse Borders and pass by John Irving's books, I remember your recommendation. I still haven't tried reading any of his books, but I have The Cider House Rules sitting on my bookshelf from a used book sale. And I started listening to Lifehouse because you sent me "Hanging by a Moment." Of course I had heard that song on the radio, but you were the one that really got me into listening to them. That's only one of the many songs that I really liked that you sent me.

Those are just small ways you've impacted me, though. Overall, I must say that a lot of my life has gone in unexpected directions since our meeting and parting. Not everything has been "good," but I can't say that it has been completely bad either. Anyways, I remember that you said that I had already moved on. I've always been bad at letting go. That still hasn't really changed much. But, once again, I try. And this is one of the ways in which I am trying. If you're reading this, which are chances maybe one in a billion, I truly hope that you are doing well.

Thank you for everything.

So, I'm finally a high-school senior. I was reading through my oldest entries in this thing and I've found I've changed a lot. I don't believe in emotes and actions in journal posts anymore. I still do both a lot while chatting of course, but it's just different when I'm blogging or LJing. I guess I still do both in my Xanga, but Xanga is Xanga. I treat it more or less the same way I do AIM because people I know from school read it.

It seems like only yesterday I was a freshman. It's a weird feeling; I can look back upon everything and remember everything like it was just yesterday. But then it's like I wake up and I'm in my bed. Something to that effect. Lately I can't tell which seems more real: my dreams or life itself. I've been feeling a mix of being disillusioned, disquieted, and disconcerted. I like the dis- words, and it makes me feel a bit smarter. Not really, but anyway. It sums up my general emotions.

In my time as a senior, I've probably accomplished more than the past three years put together. I've gotten my driver's license, a part-time job (two, in fact), straight A's (with APs! zomg), a bank account, and a boyfriend (still not used to calling him that). I've just really moved forward in life. It hit me today though, that I've always wished I was considered an adult and that I was an adult, but then when I get there, I'll probably be wishing myself a child again. I am a child right now, and nothing'd really change that at the moment.

I also remember saying a long time ago that it's okay to suffer a bit now while we're young. Suffering, hardship. I don't know what those mean. I've been living a good life. I don't have to worry about how I'm going to eat the next day, whether I'm going to eat or not, or any of those things. I have a roof over my head and a room full of junk. I'm a "rich kid." Probably without the quotation marks too. It hit me that most of the people that live around here are middle/upper-middle class. I was kind of disgusted, and still am, with myself because I was/am ignorant.

I don't know. While I can't completely be independent from my parents right now, I don't want to depend on them so much either. I bought those train tickets that took me to Sac with my own money, and I believe it's probably one of the times I really spent my money well. I preferred spending my money rather than having my dad buy me the ticket and rub it in my face. I don't think he would do it straight out, but something to that effect. I probably had a whole bunch of other things to say, but that's the jist of it. I feel like I'm here, except I'm not here, and it's a disquieting feeling. Like having everything, yet nothing at all.

So how do you measure growth in your maturity? You can look back upon things and say, "Oh, I was really stupid to have done such and such." But how can you really say that you've matured from some time? Can you say you've matured if you still continue to make the same mistakes? I wonder. And what is maturity anyhow? Does a mature person just study and do school work? If so, I've got a hell of a way to go.

I'm in a chick flick mood. But the ones I have I don't really feel like watching at the moment. I've seen them already, too. Mph, so I started reading The Truth About Forever by Sarah Dessen. It's one of those easier to read teen books that I just have to read once in a while when I don't feel like doing anything else. I tried starting to read my AP Lit books, but I just couldn't really do it. So yeah.

It made me think about stuff. So, when I think about break-ups, it's usually the guy dumping the girl. And then the girl gets really depressed, then ends up eating hella ice cream, watching chick flicks to feel better, and whatnot. But what about the other way around? The girl dumping the guy. Another thing is, after either the guy or girl dumps the other, how are they supposed to feel? Happy? And there are always those relationships where it goes back and forth, from break-up to making up and then over again. After they're finally separated, for good, how do they feel then? What do they think?

Relationships tend to end in the bitter, hateful "fuck you" too. Well, what can you do? When you're the one wrong, anyway. You can only move forward, not looking back, but not forgetting either. It's so hard to let go, even when something's gone and you know it's not coming back. It's even harder when you know that it's your fault.

When I think about it, being so unmotivated is really scary. It means that I'm not doing what I do for myself, that I'm doing everything only because it has to be done. That's how I feel right now compared to earlier years in middle school and elementary school. Maybe it's just the summertime getting to me, but I think I might have used that excuse too much already.

--- Warning of semi-rant-ish thing ---

So my parents left on a cruise to Europe to celebrate their (I don't know how many years) anniversary, leaving me home alone with my brother. My aunt and grandparents do a great deal to watch us and whatnot. Okay, previously, I had this vision of me home alone with my brother and he grabbed a knife. It was a really scary vision. Now, I'm not scared. I'm really, really pissed off at him. Although I knew he probably wouldn't behave, I never thought he could be this bad. You see, my grandma hadn't come over in a long time and I just found out recently the reason why.

My grandma (mother's side) and my father have never been the best together. I didn't think it was too bad either. It just shows how ignorant I am sometimes. Because my brother had been staying with my grandma quite a bit, my dad was yelling at my grandma about what she allows him to do and that kind of thing. So she stopped coming for visits, etc. Just last week, she came to me and told me everything. She had tears in her eyes and I never hated my brother more. She told me she cries for hours alone, not telling anyone. Elders aren't supposed to be treated that way! They're growing old and they should be able to live peacefully. And yet, she has to deal with all this.

Also, even though my brother treats her this way, she still stands up for him. This leads to my aunts (also mother's side) talking badly behind my grandma's back. My brother paid no attention when they were talking at the table, of course, though he probably could understand what they were saying in Chinese. I have nothing against my aunts, for they are kind people. Yet what they were saying made me freeze right there on the spot. My aunt was complaining about how my grandma had reprimanded her and she was really angry. The story is that my brother got put on time-out at the day-care center my aunt works at and she always gets told of everything my brother does. Later on, my brother got a bloody nose and my grandma said it was because he was put on time-out. Don't ask me how that works out.

My grandma is right, though. Because my dad deals with force, my brother only fears him. It's too unbalanced and etc. Either way, I'm not letting my brother get away with it this time. When I heard it that day, I never felt so angry before in my life. My grandma is so kind to him and I just feel like he uses that kindness. The mere thought of that makes my blood boil.

--- End rant-ish thing ---

About APUSH: I don't really regret choosing to take it. Sure, it's more work, but I heard that regular U.S. History only covers the 20th century. Meanwhile, I'm reading from this APUSH book that's talking about Spanish conquistadores and the beginning of the New World. It's a really big difference. I like the historian that wrote the textbook, as well. There's a lot of work put into his writing. Though some of it may seem dull at times, it's not a bad read.

Before school ended, sophomores received a survey for our History course selection. I was filling out the one for APUSH and stopped when I reached a certain question. "Based on what main factor did you decide to take this course?" I wrote: "So I could work harder." It sounds a bit stupid, for sure, but oh well. After that question, there was a list of common factors and they asked you to number the top four. A lot of people do take it so that their college applications look better, however, I'm pretty sure it's not my main goal. For one, I wasn't thinking of it when I signed up.

So, I continue to talk with people older than me about college stuff. It gets me down a lot because, as I've said many times before, I don't know what I want to do. I was talking to a family friend just yesterday at a potluck. He has already graduated from college and is now designing games for cell phones. I asked him how he decided what he wanted to do. He said, "When I got into college, I took a look at Bio Engineering since it's the sort of area Asian parents want their children to look into. That and being a doctor. Well, I took a few classes and didn't like it. My roommate, who was a computer science major, suggested I take some of those classes too. I thought that it was pretty interesting."

Of course, people ask me about where I want to go. I sometimes say Stanford, but it's expensive and it's aiming a bit high. If I really wanted to go there, though, I could go to a community college for two years, then transfer or something like that. I heard it's cheaper that way, also. I still don't know. "Stanford has something for everyone." And their Japanese program looks awesome. In Japanese Club, we had a Stanford student as a guest for a day. He talked about Stanford, as well as the club he was the president of. It sounded great.